Fitting into my smart trousers was tremendously difficult today. My heart sank this morning as I was readying myself for my first day back at work after Christmas. I managed to get the trousers over my ankles and to pull them snugly up to my bottom, but when it came to doing the zip and the button up it became clear there was a problem afoot. I seem to have put on weight since last Friday, and that really is going some. In the end I managed to do up the button through a mixture of brute force, will power, and breathing in deeply. It was like trying to dress a pregnant hippo in a pair of children's swimming shorts.
I didn't breathe out all day through fear of my button firing itself across the room at work, thereby revealing my underpants to my new colleagues. In the end it felt like I had managed to not breathe out for well over 8 hours. That is greater than the lung capacity of an adult Sperm Whale! Surely some kind of record should be winging itself my way after that performance? Maybe I could negotiate a pay rise with management as I had to do my work for a whole day without breathing - thus saving the company a big chunk on their annual oxygen bill.
I almost felt like running out and taking my trousers off right there and then in the car park when it got to 5 'o' clock and I could finally leave, such was the agony I was in.
Tomorrow I might try and cause myself unnecessary pain by wearing shoes 2 sizes too small for me.
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