Counter-Strike!

This morning, after considering giving up, sitting in front of the telly, drinking more wine, and maybe never doing anything ever again - maybe just sit on the sofa until I reach old age, or they cut off the electricity or the house falls down, I decided to hit the offensive. Spent literally all day applying for jobs, all different kinds. Several admin ones, a couple of warehouse jobs, post room jobs, a cleaning job, a caretaker job at a library, a ward clerk at the hospital, and even a stage hand for the Worthing panto production of Peter Pan. Because of the way Reed have treated me this week, and whether or not they sort this job out that I was due to start today, I am determined to find something else if I can so then maybe I can turn this one down. 


I have really been lapse in the last few weeks because I've been waiting for this one to come along, and this really shouldn't have stopped me doing something as simple as sending off applications. Almost even applied for a job as a Santa Claus for the shopping centre in Brighton, but spending a month humouring naive children pissing on my knee seemed beyond the call of duty. There were also roles going for elves, but I think I may be too tall. Or is is dwarves that are small? 


Either way, I'm glad I was positive today. I was very down last night, and a year ago - when I was struggling pretty badly from depression - I would have reacted quite differently today than I have done. I hope my outlook continues this way, even if work isn't immediately forthcoming. Although I have been actively looking for a job for nearly three months, and somehow still haven't found anything, and we are approaching a difficult time of year for the terminally unemployed. 


I suppose self-confidence is the key, and for people in my situation, when you are constantly being rejected by employers, must all start to lose themselves after a while. A good example this was the other night. I went to see a mate's gig, a real studenty affair, and it was pretty sparse in there. When we got there we waited around for my friend to play, I noticed a particularly attractive girl on the other side of the bar. At some points in my recent history, and given the right mixture of booze and confidence, I probably would have gone over to her and tried to chat her up in an instant, but this time I could think of nothing to say. Zero self-confidence. Realising I had nothing, I just left it all night until I was quite drunk. I kept staring over at her, trying to gain a little eye contact, and kept thinking to myself, 'just keep it cool'. What a prat!


I was leaning against the bar at the time, when I was nudged on the shoulder by the bloke behind the bar. I was leaning on the flap on the bar, and he needed to get through, which put me in mind of the 'Only Fools And Horses' sketch where Del Boy falls through the bar. He was saying something like 'keep it cool' at the time as well. I thought, "well, I'm not falling through the bloody bar too!, It wasn't even that funny when Del Boy did it!", so I decided to grow a pair and go talk to the girl when she stood up. Managed something really crap about music or something which she half-smiled about, but in more of a 'fuck off' kind of way than a 'please, tell me more' kind of way, and that was that. I almost wish I had fallen through the bar, at least I would've had a talking point if I did.


Like chatting up women, or standing on stage like my friend, I think getting a job after 3 months on the dole will probably be as much about my self-confidence as it will be luck or talent. Just got to keep plugging away I guess.